Couldn't sleep

Today is the 1 yr anniversary of my one & only code blue on a patient that I was caring for - she died.  She was only 40 yrs old.  I still read the guest book that the funeral home has online for her friends & family.  I don't know why I do it, I just do it.  The whole experience has definitely touched me, although it's never led me to cry.  I don't know why I don't cry about it, I don't know why I still think about that night, I don't know why I still read what her friends & family write to her - I just do it & probably will continue to do so for the rest of my life. 

I wasn't able to sleep last night.  In fact, I didn't go to bed until after 6 am.  I guess this will be something that always stays with me.